As I reflect on my wedding anniversary that’s just around the corner, I have thought about how my life has unfolded. I was 22 years old when I walked down the aisle to my perfect man. As I was walking towards my future, my mind was filled with so many dreams. Dreams of becoming a mom. Dreams of what my marriage would be. Dreams of my ministry to come. Dreams of my children. The funny thing about dreams is…..they’re just dreams.
When I was 22 I had my life planned out (silly I know). Little did I know what was going to happen. I never thought we would hear the words “infertile”. I never thought that I would never feel life grow inside my womb. I never thought of the impact it would have on my marriage. I never thought my husband would get his diagnosis “sterile”. I never thought two attempts of artificial insemination with a donor would fail. I never imagined I would never experience those two blue lines on a test. My 22 year old self never dreamt that I would watch my husband as he tried to hide the guilt, shame and sense of failure and blame himself for it all. I never dreamt how hard it would be to have to “put on a smile” at all the baby showers I would attend. I never imagined that I would receive an unexpected call for a newborn baby and thank God for answering my prayers, only to without warning have to say goodbye to him unexpectedly. I couldn’t have ever imagined that we would be chosen to be interviewed for a private adoption only to find out later she chose the other couple. I couldn’t have planned for all the times there seemed to be hope for it to be lost. I couldn’t have planned to have to grieve never being able to be pregnant. I never could’ve have planned to have to love so many children temporarily and say goodbye forever never knowing where they would end up. I couldn’t have planned to be so close to forever with a little one, only to have that become delayed repeatedly. I couldn’t have imagined dealing with anxiety and panic attacks because the fear has crippled you. I couldn’t have planned for my dreams to just stay dreams. I never thought my faith and trust in God would be tested over and over.
Through all that pain, heart break and lost hope; one thing has remained constant…God. He has never left me side. He remains to pick the pieces up continually as my heart breaks over and over. He has helped me to imagine new dreams to replace the ones that will never be. He has been the shoulders to cry on in the middle of the night when no one else is watching. He remains with me as I’m so fearful and anxious at court that I want to throw up. He remains with me with each goodbye. He remains with me when the sting arises at every pregnancy announcement. He remains with me when I feel like I cannot go on. He shows me my strength every time I feel weak. He remains time and time again. He remains with me in my most darkest moments. He always remains.
Why am I telling you all this you ask? I am telling you this for you to be encouraged today. For you to see that even though some of your dreams have been crushed, there are new ones arising. To show you that God is shaping you through all this pain, That one day you will finally be able to share your story and it be just a testimony. To help you see how many lives you will be able to reach because you went threw all that pain. I want you to see that you will overcome. All you have to do is trust and remain in God. I promise you, one day this will all make sense. God will always remain with you. Xoxo
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding;”
Proverbs 3:5 CSB