Today, we had court for our first foster placement. As we sit and see all the other children in court your mind wonders, is this the end or the beginning? Emotions are high on everyone’s account. When the bio parents come in and want their child to come running into their arms and that doesn’t happen…it’s awkward. It’s awkward cause your heart hurts for them, you can place yourself in their shoes. It’s awkward because secretly deep down you feel like a winner because you are the child safe place. It’s awkward because you have to be nice and coax the child to see their bio parents. It’s just AWKWARD.
Then your case is called….more emotions. You hear a bunch of legal jargon that you don’t understand at all. You hear them make what seems like excuse after excuse for the parents. You hear them say how well the child’s doing in your home but yet seems like it doesn’t matter. You start to really see how broken the system is. It is broken because they don’t look at the bigger picture. They see blood as blood. Do they see if the child feels safe? Do they see how that reunification is the ultimate goal but is it what’s right? Do they see that the child feels safer with you? Do they see you love them as your own? The biggest question of all is do they see truly see what’s at the child’s best interest?
Today really hit home to me how broken this system is. Hit home to how hard fostering is. Hit home that the judges have the final say. Hit home that foster parents don’t have a voice. We stand in the gap, we raise these kids, we love them but we don’t have a say. Hit home that your days with the children you love are truly numbered. It. Just. Hits. Home.
As hard as everything I said above sounds, I CANT GIVE UP. Even though right now in this moment, I want to throw into the towel, I can’t. I can’t because it would be giving up on the children who need me. I can’t let go of the children who need me as their mom, even if only for a season. I can’t give up because God called me to this. I have to keep the faith. I have to let go and let God. I have to just cherish all the moments I have as I have them. I have to tell myself God is in control. I have to fight the enemy from whispering all the feelings of defeat into my heart. I can’t give up!
So, for all of you who are on this ride with me, don’t give up. God is with you. He is working behind the scenes even though you can’t see it. No matter if it turns out the way you want, it is what God wants (A hard pill to swallow I know). God is with you. He is there when those tears fall after every court hearing, every family meeting, every visit with parents, He is with you. So, I beg you DON’T GIVE UP. God is preparing you for greatness! Keep fighting and see the greatness happen!
Xoxo Sincerely, Angela