Today was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I have been home from work the last couple of days due to my little one being sick. These past two days I have gotten to truly experience motherhood. Why would that make me emotional you ask? Well, it’s complicated but most of it is the unknowns of it all. Not knowing if he will call me “mommy” forever or just for a season. Not knowing that if it is for only a season will they still remember me? Will they know I loved them like my own? Will I survive this? There are so many unknowns but the worst for me is, not knowing if I am failing already to do what God has called me to do for them.
Every time he comes to me for comfort because he is sick both fills me with joy and sorrow. Joy because right now I am his mom. Sorrow because his story is still not finished. I don’t know if the final chapter will still include me or not, that is the biggest sorrow for me. I don’t like to fail or any kind of conflict, which is why fostering is an irony for me. With fostering there will be failure and lots of conflict but I keep telling myself there will be more victories and resolve than failure or conflicts. So many emotions flooded over my heart today, all I could do was enjoy the moment.
Even though it’s all bittersweet for me I have to keep trusting in God. Trusting that I haven’t failed in this yet. Trusting in Him that He hasn’t chosen the wrong person for the job. Trusting that the heartache I will continue to face everyday will all make sense one day. Trust in myself that I can do it. Trust that we will survive all the unknowns. Trust is the hardest five letter word, but also one of the most rewarding. When we can trust God and follow His plan (even filled with all the unknowns) there is so much reward. My reward will come someday. I just have to TRUST!
Xoxo Sincerely, Angela