There is a lot of misconception in the infertility world. This is something I’ve struggled with writing for awhile, but I feel like it needs to be said. As many of you know that have followed me on this journey, I am a huge advocate for those who have faced this disease. Yes, I said disease because that’s what it is. That being said, many think that once you either cope with the disease and/or or “heal” from it that it goes away. Oh how I wish it was that easy. Just because a couple adopted, or got pregnant with or without medical intervention doesn’t mean the “disease” is gone. The pain is still there. The pieces of the broken heart over and over again have left scars. The pain never goes away, however, you can heal from it. You can learn from it. You can grow from it.
So friends, I’ve said all this to let you know that it’s ok to still feel the pain from infertility, even after the fact. It doesn’t make you a bad person or parent. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings. I want those that have been affected and haven’t been affected to know that healing takes time. It is what you do while you’re trying to heal that is the most important. Take all the pain. All the feelings. All the mess and turn into a beautiful story of Gods faithfulness. God uses our messes to make us stronger. He uses our pain for us to help others who maybe in the thick of it. It doesn’t matter if you have just found out your diagnosis or if it’s been years ago…your story matters. Share your light that came from a dark time. God wants this to be your testimony. Share it with your children sometime, so that it can be apart of their beautiful story too. You can never be too broken for God to use you. On the flip side, just because you have gotten your happy story doesn’t mean you don’t have times where the pain will creep in. Infertility never goes away, but the story will keep growing and changing. Allow your story to be used for Gods glory! Share your pain, your mess, your joy, share all the pieces to your beautiful puzzle that is being crafted. God loves you. God is always with you. He wants to take your ashes and make something beautiful from it. Be blessed today! Xoxo
I don’t like bitter tasting things. They are not enjoyable to me at all, Like coffee for instance, It took me a long time to like it. I have to add sugar to it for me to enjoy it. Usually, bitterness doesn’t just happen. It’s a bit of a process. It’s slow, sneaky, and it can be vicious if not checked. It often stems from some form of hurt, offense, injustice, or disagreement or disappointment. If not checked in the beginning, it will consume your heart. It will become overwhelming, it will make you miserable. It will continue to diminish the light and joy of God in your heart.
Sweet friend, I know every time you see a child that bitterness creeps back up. Every time there’s a pregnancy announcement it creeps in. Every time you fight with your spouse it creeps in. When finances are tight it creeps in. It creeps in when you say goodbye to a child that you thought would be yours forever. It creeps in unexpectedly during our hardest moments. The enemy will whisper those bitter words to your soul. He wants to take away all the “sweetness” of God in your heart. Don’t allow that hurt of childlessness, that friend that hurt you, that spouse that betrayed you, or whatever hurt happened to destroy you. Keep adding the sugar back. Start praying again, start fasting again, ask for the Lord to help you defeat the bitterness. When the bitterness is gone, your heart will be open to all the things the Lord has in store for you. Let the healing begin. Live life without bitterness, the way God intended. Be blessed not bitter. Xoxo
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Fear has a way of creeping in all at once when you least expect it. We are fearful of a deadly virus. We are fearful of how we will pay our bills. We are fearful of the unknowns that are happening in the world today. The enemy tries to keep reminding us of our fear over and over again. He knows that if he keeps reminding us that fear will continue to grip our thoughts and minds. Fear is the biggest tool the enemy has to use against us.
Friends, I have good news for you today. Fear cannot beat God. His love conquers all. If we put our trust and hearts in His hands, we will survive. His love protects us. His love gives us peace. His love gives us eternal life. Our Heavenly Father does not want us crippled in fear. He wants life and life abundantly for us! Let go of your fears and anxieties and capture His love. No matter what life or the enemy throws our way, His love will make us victorious.
So, tonight pray for that love to grab a hold of you. Cast out the fear. Rebuke the enemy. Saturate yourself in His love and all your fears will be gone. Xoxo
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
As I reflect on my wedding anniversary that’s just around the corner, I have thought about how my life has unfolded. I was 22 years old when I walked down the aisle to my perfect man. As I was walking towards my future, my mind was filled with so many dreams. Dreams of becoming a mom. Dreams of what my marriage would be. Dreams of my ministry to come. Dreams of my children. The funny thing about dreams is…..they’re just dreams.
When I was 22 I had my life planned out (silly I know). Little did I know what was going to happen. I never thought we would hear the words “infertile”. I never thought that I would never feel life grow inside my womb. I never thought of the impact it would have on my marriage. I never thought my husband would get his diagnosis “sterile”. I never thought two attempts of artificial insemination with a donor would fail. I never imagined I would never experience those two blue lines on a test. My 22 year old self never dreamt that I would watch my husband as he tried to hide the guilt, shame and sense of failure and blame himself for it all. I never dreamt how hard it would be to have to “put on a smile” at all the baby showers I would attend. I never imagined that I would receive an unexpected call for a newborn baby and thank God for answering my prayers, only to without warning have to say goodbye to him unexpectedly. I couldn’t have ever imagined that we would be chosen to be interviewed for a private adoption only to find out later she chose the other couple. I couldn’t have planned for all the times there seemed to be hope for it to be lost. I couldn’t have planned to have to grieve never being able to be pregnant. I never could’ve have planned to have to love so many children temporarily and say goodbye forever never knowing where they would end up. I couldn’t have planned to be so close to forever with a little one, only to have that become delayed repeatedly. I couldn’t have imagined dealing with anxiety and panic attacks because the fear has crippled you. I couldn’t have planned for my dreams to just stay dreams. I never thought my faith and trust in God would be tested over and over.
Through all that pain, heart break and lost hope; one thing has remained constant…God. He has never left me side. He remains to pick the pieces up continually as my heart breaks over and over. He has helped me to imagine new dreams to replace the ones that will never be. He has been the shoulders to cry on in the middle of the night when no one else is watching. He remains with me as I’m so fearful and anxious at court that I want to throw up. He remains with me with each goodbye. He remains with me when the sting arises at every pregnancy announcement. He remains with me when I feel like I cannot go on. He shows me my strength every time I feel weak. He remains time and time again. He remains with me in my most darkest moments. He always remains.
Why am I telling you all this you ask? I am telling you this for you to be encouraged today. For you to see that even though some of your dreams have been crushed, there are new ones arising. To show you that God is shaping you through all this pain, That one day you will finally be able to share your story and it be just a testimony. To help you see how many lives you will be able to reach because you went threw all that pain. I want you to see that you will overcome. All you have to do is trust and remain in God. I promise you, one day this will all make sense. God will always remain with you. Xoxo
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding;”
Throughout the Bible we see God’s children over coming trials they face. They made it through obstacle after obstacle that stood in their way. It wasn’t because they were stronger or better than us. It was because God was with them every step of the journey with them. God loves us so very much that He sent His only Son to be a sacrifice for our salvation, so that we could have His spirit living inside of us to make us be able to conquer our enemies. That is the true testament of unconditional love…..sacrifice!
Don’t ever think you are chosen for the trials you face because He doesn’t love you. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. He chose you for this very journey because He loves you. He knows you will become a conqueror. He has already seen you win! It is His love that gives you strength. Don’t allow the enemy, peers, or society to make you believe you are weak or unworthy. Your trial isn’t a punishment. Nothing can defeat you if you fight with God’s love. So, keep fighting. You will conquer the battle you’re in. Keep drawing closer to Him. Keep the faith. His love gives you strength. You are a conqueror!! Xoxo
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”
As I am sitting here in the quiet reminiscing of my life and that my birthday is tomorrow, I am reminded of this scripture: “but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint.”Isaiah 40:31 CSB. I am reminded of all the hard times that God has brought me through in my 32 (almost 33) years of life. All of the ups and downs that have come my way and yet I’m still standing.
We so often think we can’t stand strong during our trials, when that is so far from the truth. We can if we trust in God. We can soar high above our deepest and darkest valleys. We can run without falling. We just have to learn how to completely trust in Him.
I have taken a long time to learn this lesson, but I know without a shadow of doubt that I can make it through anything with God on my side. Infertility has taught me how to trust God in ways deeper than I could’ve imagined. As hard as infertility is, I sit here thankful for the life God has given me. I’m thankful of the woman I’ve become today. I truly believe that if infertility hadn’t have happened to me, that I may not have become who I am today.
You see, God took my brokenness and made it my strength. He took my tears and turned them into my testimony. The amount of couples and women I have been able to reach and help, I don’t believe would’ve happened if infertility didn’t happen. I don’t believe I would be a foster parent if infertility hadn’t happened. Being a foster parent is a ministry. You not only help provide for the children, but in most cases you are and can be a light of Jesus to their parents.
I have been changed forever from my infertility journey and even my foster journey, I will never be the same, the brokenness that comes with those two things are unexplainable! However, the trust I have gained in God is undeniable. The nights I have cried out to Him for hours in despair. The times where I’ve read and read His word just to make my heart stop hurting. All that built my trust up in Him.
So, whenever you’re in the valley looking up at that very tall and frightening mountain. Remember, that one day, even though you can’t see it now, one day this will become your testimony. This trial you are facing right now will one day be the story someone needs to hear in order for them to make it through their journey. Embrace all the hurt, pain and brokenness you are feeling and turn it around into your strength. Don’t let it become you but let it TRANSFORM you into a better you. It is now time for you to build up your trust in Him on a deeper level than. Mount up your wings and soar into the breakthrough that is coming your way. Xoxo
As humans, we struggle with fleshly emotions and desires every day. We are constantly waging a war inside of us against our flesh and our spirit. We allow our flesh to overcome more than we usually like to admit too. We think about all the people in the Bible who won their battles. Daniel was kept safe from being eaten by lions in the den. Noah was spared the flood. Shadrach, Meshech and Abendego were spared in the fiery furnace by God’s protection and so many more.. Then comes the question What about me? We think why am I not being protected like they were? Why has God forgotten about me?
I find myself struggling with this question far more than I want to admit it, but part of me writing this blog; is to be vulernable and raw to my readers, so here it is. Life is hard. It is filled with so many uncertainties and right when you think everything is going perfectly BAM there’s a wrench thrown in. The enemy takes these moments while we are weak and fleshly to whisper even more doubts and fears into our hearts. He tells us your turn isn’t coming. You wont win. You can’t handle it anymore. Lies upon lies upon lies. Yet, we humans are weak in our flesh so we tend to believe the father of lies more than we should.
Anxiety and worry can exacerbate the feeling of “what about me” and believe me I know it is WAY easier said than done to “let go and Let God” but that’s exactly what we need to do. We can’t constantly keep asking “what about me” as hard as it is for me to even speak these words out loud to myself. The Bible tells us over and over to trust in God, give your burdens to Him and to NOT FEAR; but that’s the exact opposite thing we usually do. Why is that? One answer could be human nature. Another could be the enemy. The answer doesn’t really matter, what matters is that we STOP. Stop allowing the whispers to overcome us. Stop thinking that because someone else got their victory that yours isn’t coming. Stop. Stop. Stop.
During my trial of infertility and now being a foster to adopt parent, I’ve learned that God isn’t intentionally blessing others with children and not blessing me. It isn’t becuase of anything I am or am not doing. The answer is simply becuase His plan is different than mine. His timing is different than my idea of when it should happen. When I feel the fear and panic attacks creeping up, I have learned to speak the power of the name of Jesus against them, even if its a million times a day before the anxiety leaves. I keep speaking Jesus. I keep diving into His word. I keep telling myself He’s in control, even if in that moment of weakness I can’t believe it, I keep saying it because I know in my spirit it is true.
So, I said all of this so that it can help you. You may feel like you’re in a pit of despair and no one hears your cries. You may feel like your blessings skip over you and always go to the next person. I want you to know that that’s simply not true. You have a Father in Heaven that loves you! He loves you so much that He died for you! He made a way for you, yes YOU to be able to spend all eternity with Him forever and ever. Remeber this, when you’re crying those tears on your pillow every night wondering if they’re all in vain. Remember this when you find yourself asking multiple times a day “what about me”. He chose you for this particular trial that you’re facing and I promise you He will be with you through to the very end. When it is all over you will look back on all that pain and understand why He chose you to walk through it. It will be worth it in the end. Xoxo